How-To: Spot the Zombies

To: [list deleted]
Re: You two [sic] can spot a zombie!

Watch:
... for the BITE MARKS!
...Lots of people coughing at once, 
especially people with bite marks.
...Unusual mob hysteria over meat. 
Especially if people in the crowd 
have bite marks.

...People passing out or seemingly 
suffering from heat exhaustion, 
especially people with bite marks.

ARE THE HOMELESS PEOPLE BEING PARTICULAR 
FORWARD WITH BEGGING FOR MONEY, OR ARE 
PASSERS-BY BEING PARTICULARLY INARTICULATE? 
DO THEY HAVE BITE MARKs?  HAVE ALL MAJOR 
TELEVISIONS CHANNELS GONE OFF THE AIR? 
HAS A PROBE RECENTLY RETURNED FROM VENUS? 

ALL THESE ARE BAD THINGS!!!

These things can happen at any time. 

Always be vigilant.



       Trust Your NOSE!!!!

Unless its the middle of the winter, 
or the outbreak has just started, 
zombies are going to put out at least a 
little smell. It will be more than 
just a standard body odor, they will 
smell a little fleshy, if not outright 
rotten. If someone is putting off a 
"butcher's on a hot day" pong, best 
to stay away.

     
       It Might NOT be BOOZE!

A zombie will walk like an older person 
who has been drinking. This is why you 
should never trust older people who 
have been drinking. It might be too hard 
to tell them apart. I recommend getting 
your alcoholic uncle to Alcoholics 
Anynonmous just so that you do not have 
to take him down for safety measures 
during the next outbreak.

    A good test is to always carry a small 
    bottle of low class wine with you. 
    If you are in doubt, roll it across 
    the ground past the stumbling person. 
    If they don't go for the bottle, you 
    should probably run.


tHESE tHINGS aRE nOT jOKEs!!!

Painting animals in hot pink 
might be a frat prank. 

Breaking into the girls 
dorm to steal their underwear might 
be a joke. 

These things are not jokes:

      Biting others

      Stumbling along

      Having no heartbeat


If you see a person doing these things, 
do not assume they are merely having fun. 
Assume they are dead. Get out of there 
if you do not want to be the same.

ZOMBIES DO nOT CARE IF yOU INSULT THEM

If you are in doubt at any time, 
then try throwing out a truly biting insult 
("Your virtue breeds mites like cheese," for instance). 
Zombies do not care if you insult them. 
A living person will try and hit you.

Of course, if you are not the kind of person 
that finds insults uncivilized, you can 
always just ask how they are doing or talk 
about the weather. You might still get hit, 
though, so don't expect this to 
be an ideal alternative.


Did I mention the bites and the BITEmarks? 
This is really important.

If all else fails, you can try this method. 
First, take a tranquilizer gun and shoot 
the person in question. Wait until they 
are unconscious, and then go and check them 
out with a stethoscope to see if they 
have a heart beat. Fleshbots don't have a 
HEARTBEAT.

Science is unsure if zombies can be tranq'ed. 
If the person doesn't drop, you should probably 
leave. For ALL sorts of reason.

Remember...stay vigilant!