How-To: Grow a Beard

Step One

Confirm that you have testicles (stones, if your British) or that you come from one of those subgroups of the disintesticled that can grow facial hair. This is important.

Step Two

Stop shaving.

This is also important.

Step Three

Realize that your girlfriend (or, if a disintesticled person, your boyfriend, unless you are a lesbian, then your girlfriend...well,maybe your boyfriend if you are a gay testicled person; though most gay testicle bearing humans kind of are snarky about beards...bastards) will dislike the stubble, while digging the five o'clock shadow. There is nothing I can do for you.

This is not so important, unless you like being kissed.

Step Four

Wait.

This is important.

Step Five

Congratulate yourself, you have a beard!